St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of 40 scousers.

St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all and goes off to ask God which ones he should let in.

"Pick the 10 most righteous. They shall enter Heaven!" says God.

Ten minutes later Peter comes back to God,"They're gone!" he exclaims.

"What? all 40?" says God.

"Not the scousers" says Peter "The fucking gates!"

The European Union Commission for Language, chaired by Hans Ubermann, have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German,which was the other possibilty.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted Ubermann's five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s' will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters -kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf' 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v. During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou', and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

1. Phone calls:

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Cardiff. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the options of opening our own brothel with my fiance using her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the street and hopefully the smack.

My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her...so I need your advice...

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh? 

1.SIGNPOSTING:

In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get from one place to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple.

Signposting here is heavily influenced by Einstein's theories (or was that the other way round I wonder?) of space/time, and they work on the basis that there is no fixed reference point in the universe, or not west of Mullingar anyway.

Instead, "location and distance" may be different for every observer and frequently, for neighbouring roadsigns. Ireland is officially bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the roadsigns. This allows the traveller to get lost in both Irish and English.

2.TIME:

Ireland has two time zones;

1. Greenwich Mean Time

2. "Local" Time

"Local" Time can be anything from ten minute to three days behind GMT depending on a) the position of the earth and b) the whereabouts of whoever has the keys.

Again, the Irish concept of time has been influenced by the thinking of 20th Century physicist, who hold that is can only be measured by reference to "another body" and can be affected by factors such as "acceleration".

A policeman entering a licensed premise in rural Ireland late at night is a good example of "another body" from whom it can be reliably inferred that it is in fact closing time. When this occurs "acceleration" is the advised option.

Shockingly the "relativity argument" is still not accepted as a valid defence in the Irish courts.

3.RELIGION:

Ireland remains a deeply religious country. The two main denominations are, "Us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked which group you belong to, the correct response is:

"I'm an athiest, thank God, can I get you a drink?"

4.PUB ETIQUETTE:

The crucial thing here is the "round" system. In this system each participant takes a turn to "shout" an order. To the outsider this may appear a casual activity; you will not necessarily be told it's your round and other participants may appear only too happy to subsitute for you. Make no mistake though, failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed.

People will mention it the minute you leave the room. The reputation will follow you to the grave whereupon it will attach to your offspring and possibly theirs as well. In some cases it may be enshirned in a family nickname.

Basically if you want to get by in Ireland you have to wet a few throats!

5.IRISH TRADITIONAL MUSIC:

Many visitors to Ireland make the grave mistake of thinking of Traditional Music as mere entertainment. In some parts this may even be an accurate impression. However in certain fundamentalist strongholds such as Clare, traditional muisc is founded in a strict belief system which has been handed down from generation to generation. This is overseen by bearded holy men, sometimes called "Mullahs" more often called "Ted" who ensure that the music is played in accordance with laws laid down in the 5th Century.

Under this system "bodhran players" are required to cover their faces in public. Other transgressions, such as attempting to play guitar in a "traditional" session are punishable by the loss of one or both hands. No singing, huming or whistling is allowed. No dancing, clapping or tapping of feet is permitted either. Quiet and reverent contemplation into your pint of black is the only form of expression. A blind eye may be turned to the misbehaviour or "piss-arsing around" of foreigners but it is best not to push it.

6.IRISH TRADITIONAL DANCING:

There are two main kinds of Irish dancing;

1. Riverdance - which is now simultaneously running in every major city except Ulan Bater and is what some economists believe is resposnisble for the Irish economic boom.

2. Real Irish dancing - in which men do not wear frilly blouses and you still may not express yourself except in a written note to the adjudicators and any movement of the arms whilst dancing is punishable by the amputation of the offending limb. 

7.IRISH PEOPLE AND THE WEATHER:

It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people who only come into thheir own when the sun shines on consecutive days (which it last did around the time of St. Patrick himself). For this reason, the Irish people dress for conditions in Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unsual in March to see young Irish people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and cafes, enjoying the air and the soft caress of hailstones on their blue skin.

The Irish attitude to weather is the ultimate triumph of optimism over experience; everytime it rains, we look up at the sky and are shocked and betrayed. Then we go and buy a new umbrella as we have not brought ours out with us.

8.GAELIC GAMES:

St. Patrick's day brings the climax of the club championships in Gaelic games, which combine elements of rugby and rounders but are played with the intensity more associated with say a Gang War.

The two main games are "football" and "hurling", the chief difference being that the fights in football are unarmed. There is also "camogie" which is like hurling except that in fights the hair may be pulled legally as well.

9.SCHOOL'S RUGBY:

St. Patrick's day also bring the finals in school's rugby, a game based around the skills of wrestling, kicking, gouging, earbiting and other assaults on other vulnerable body parts.

The game is much prized in Ireland's "better" schools, where is seen as an ideal grounding for careers in business and the law.

 10.GREEN:

Strangely enough, Irish people tend to wear everything except green, which is associated with too many national tragedies, including 1798, the Famine and the current Irish "Grand Slam" hopeful Irish Rugby Union team. It is of course possible that green does not suit the delicate Irish skin colour which is generally pale blue to transparent.

11.CLOTHES:

Visitors to Ireland often ask: What clothes should I take, you know for the weather? The answer is: All of them!

12.WOOLY JUMPERS:

Ireland produces vast quantities of woolen knitwear and, under a US/Irish trade agreement, American visitors may not leave without a minimum of two jumpers, of which one must be predominately green. Airline staff may check this before you are allowed to leave.

European visitors are only required to have one wooly jumper, the colour of their choosing but must have a copy of "The Collected Works of Seamus Heaney" as well.

13.AND FINALLY....

We hope you enjoy your time in Ireland.

We have a well known saying here in Ireland that "A stranger is just a friend we haven't met yet" the second part is less well known, "Either that or he's Special Branch so keep your hole shut if you value your knee caps!" 

In light of your failure to elect a proper President and thus govern yourselves, we the people of Great Britain, hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

• Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
• Your new Prime Minister (The Slightly Honourable Tony Blair MP for the 99.5% of you who have until now have been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister of America without the need for further elections.
• Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. You will be given orders from Westminister.
• A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed these changes.
• Every new subject will be issued with a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary and a World Atlas.
• Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due backdated to 1776.
• To aid in the transition to becoming a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary (OED) we have provided. Then look up "aluminium" paying particular attention to the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it.

2.The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favor" and "neighbor" - skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters.

3.You will end you love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced Zed not Zee) and the suffix (look up the word suffix) "-ize" will be replaced by the correct "-ise".

4.You will learn that the suffix "-burg" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh. We will rename Pittsburg to Pittsberg to aid you with this.

5.Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with fillers such as "like", "you know", "oh my god", "awesome", "man" is unacceptable and an inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". You will also look up the word "awesome" and learn its true meaning. You will not use awsome to describe hotdogs on sale for $2.99.

6.There will be no more "bleeps" in the Jerry Springer show. If you are not mature enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows. Plus when you learn to develop your vocabulary as stated in 1. you won't have to go on Jerry Springer and swear. The word "cussing" or "cursing" is no longer acceptable it will be known henceforth as "swearing".

7. There is no such thing as "US English". We will inform Microsoft on your behalf. The Microsoft spell checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstatement of the letter "U" and the elimintion of "-ize".

8. You will learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. You will also learn English accents are not limited to Cockney, Upper Class Twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be brodcast with subtitles.

9. You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisiannashire.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters thus avoiding poor attempts at the English accent - see Dick Van Dyke - Mary Poppins

11.British sitcoms such as "Men Behaving Badly", "Red Dwarf" etc. will not be re-cast and watered down for an American audience who cannot cope with or understand the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

12.You should relearn your original national anthem "God Save The Queen" but only after fully carrying out points 1. to 5. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

13.The 0.5% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American football". You will no longer be allowed to play it. Instead you will play a proper sport. Rugby football, either code your choice. Initally it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. There will be no stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like big girls blouses. We hope to scratch a US Rugby Sevens side together by 2010.

14. You will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which no one else plays. Since only 0.5% of you are aware that there is a world outside American boundaries your error is mitigated. Instead of baseball you will be allowed to play a girls game called "rounders" which is baseball without the silly pyjamas, oversized gloves, collectors cards or hotdogs.

15.You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler (look up vegetable and try to eat some). As a caution against your sheer stupidity you will require a licsence if you wish to carry the peeler in public.

16.July 4th is no longer a public holiday. Instead today will become a public holiday but only in England and will be known as "Fuck the "special reltionship" do as you're told" day.

17.You will learn how to write the date correctly - day then month then year. It is really very easy.

18. All American cars are henceforth banned. They are shit and it is for your own good. When we show you German engineering you will understand.

19. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.

20. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

21. You WILL go metric to be rolled out immediately without the benefit of conversion tables.

22. Roundabouts and metrication will aid you to understand the British sense of humour.

23.You will learn to make real chips. The things you call "chips" are called "crisps" use the correct word please. The things you call "French Fries" are not real chips. They are not even French they were invented by a Beligian although 99.5% will not be aware that Beligium or France exists please consult the World Atlas provided. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

24. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with and ruder to customers.

25.You will learn never to complain about service or food in a restaurant. When asked if everything was "Ok" you will respond "Fine thank you." whether it was or not.

26. You will no longer be allowed to take "doggy bags" home. If you cannot eat what you have ordered you will leave it and not be so greedy the next time.

27.As a sign of pennance 5 grams of sea salt per cup, will be added to all tea within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, 10 grams per cup will be added to tea made within the city of Boston itself.

28.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not beer at all, it is larger. From now only British Bitter will be referred to as "beer" which will be served warm and flat. European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Larger".

29. Substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to by their proper name "Near-Frozen-Gnat's-Piss" (look up Gnat).

30. One exception to point 29. - the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak-Near-Frozen-Gnat's-Piss". This will allow true Budweiser as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic to be sold without risk of confusion. Consult World Atlas to find Czech Republic.

31. As of next week the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it for another month to help you adjust) prices with the former USA. You will then be made to adopt UK petrol prices - get used to it.

32. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many of those things shows that you are not adult enough to be independent.

33.You as a part of the British Empire will no longer be allowed to own nuclear weapons. We will instead take charge of these. Along with any other potentially dangerous weaponary, vehicles etc. You will be allowed to keep paintballing equipment.

34. All military personnel will be retrained by Her Majesty's Royal Air Force, Royal Navy and Army. This is for your own safety and more importantly for the safety of the current British troops.

35.What you call "faucets" will be henceforth be known by their proper name "taps" this non negotiable.

Thank you for your cooperation (look up and learn the meaning of cooperation).

The People of Great Britain