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May 21 Lest we forget...
May 20 It's not hard, it's not clever and it won't make your Mum proud but we do get to point and laugh at you though!Oh! By the way...the title of this video is "I'm not gonna flinch!".....um....oops! Anyone for new underwear?
May 19 QUOTE OF THE DAYQuirk: "If a prisoner tries to escape can we shoot him?"
"NO!"
Quirk: "What? Not even in the legs?!"
LCpl Quirk 9 sqn - 3 Para Battle Group January 14 Normal Service ResumedI've realised that this space is starting to take itself just a tad too seriously, so...
The Twelve Days of Christmas by Kieran O'Lunacy
Dear Nula,
Thank you so very much for the gift. The Mother has positioned the pear tree in the front room and the partridge seems very happy in his new home. Hope to hear from you soon,
Yours Affectionately,
Kieran
Dear Nula,
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you again so soon and to receive the lovely two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first the partridge was rather jealous and we had to send for the vet after the fight but the birds have settled down now, the stitches come out in a week and the Mother is over her annoyance now.
Yours as ever,
Kieran
Dear Nula,
We must be foremost in your thoughts! I had only just posted the last letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort out between the hens and the doves who sided with the partridge and the vet was sent for again. The Mother was raging but she has almost cooled down now.
Thanking you for your kindness I remain yours,
Kieran
Dear Nula,
You mustn't have received my last letter when you sent the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear tree last night and the vets bill was £32.00. The Mother is on sedation as I write.
I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend,
Kieran
Dearest Nula,
Your generosity knows no bounds! Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff it might be more birds, the smell in the front room is atrocious, however I don't want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings. Thank you.
Your affectionate friend,
Kieran
Nula!
What are you trying to do to us? It isn't that we don't appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but there are eggs everywhere. The vets bill was nearly £70.00 this time! The Mother is on 60 Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming manner.
You must keep your feelings for me in check,
Kieran
Nula,
We are not amused by your little joke! Granted seven swans swimming is a most romantic idea but NOT in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they have gone completely savage and rush the door. If things go on like this the Mother and I will smell as bad as the front room carpet.
Please lay off. It isn't fair!
Kieran
NULA,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight hefty maids a milking here to eat us out of house and home? The cattle is all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the Mother's rose beds. The swans invaded the front room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them, the geese, calling birds, French hens, turtle doves and partridge made the battle of the Somme look like a week at Butlins. The Mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day as well as the 60 Valium.
I am very annoyed with you!
Kieran
Listen you louser,
There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids a milking are beating me poor 'auld alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight.
I'm warning you; you're making an enemy of me.
Kieran
You bastard,
I hope you will be haunted by the strains of the ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night! They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn't a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids a milking pogo-ing round with the ensuing punk-rock uproar.
The Mother has just finished the third bottle of whiskey on top of 120 Valium.
You'll get yours!
Kieran
You have scandalised my Mother you dirty jezebel!
It was bad enough to have eight maids a milking dancing round on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends the eleven lords a leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like an episode of Songs of Praise.
I'll get you yet, you 'auld bag!
You have ruined our lives!
The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids a milking because they found them carrying on with the eleven lords a leaping. The swans got out of the front room where they'd been hiding since the big battle and savaged hell out of the lords and the maids.
There were eight ambulances here lat night and the local civil defence as well. The Mother is in a home for the bewildered and I'm sitting here up to my neck in birds droppings, empty Valium and whiskey bottles, blood and feathers with the fecking cows eating the leaves off the pear tree.
I am a broken man.
Kieran O'Lunacy November 14 Hi there,I am suffering from the guilt of not
forwarding 50 thousand fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Alabama with a penis on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? Ooooh, look! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get a jump off every good looking man I meet! For the love of God! Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and torture me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by God himself - but all things considered; fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a penny from some omniscient being" Thing is, I just don't give a toss - it really IS that simple. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life - DELETE IT. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 pence per letter he'll receive if you forward this email. Now forward this to everyone you know. Dismissed. October 05 NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in Operation Iraqi Liberation (OIL). You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy being court marshalled to be there themselves. Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip). Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the 'new' War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose. There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
* The Guns of Navarone
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum. To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen, Rupert Brookes, Andy McScabb or anything by Sir Peter De La Billionaire (you will find copies of the last two author's work in the ficiton section of any local libarary).
Yours amazed to still have a job, G Hoon, Ministry of Defence. May 16 Ground Rules
May 14 Ground Rules
May 13 Status Report
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