I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2004, when I signed up for your 3-in-1 deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone service. During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service, which I had not previously thought possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Pleases allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties, or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial instiallation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music and the even more annoying Scottish robot bint telling me to look at your helpful website...HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my nipples for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both famillar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two WEEKS later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of virtual tools - such as a drill bit and his cerebrum. Two weeks after, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 5 telephone calls over 4 weeks it finally got here...ten weeks after I had requested it and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 40%...hours between 5pm - 1am Mon-Fri, and all of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your "NO FUCKING HELP" line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled nipple twiddlers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available and someone will call me back; that no telephone is available and someone will call me back; that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available and then been cut off; that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed; that I will be redirected to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot bint...and several variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatified customers to totally ignore and also another one of those crucially important nipple moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it is far more satisfying as a customer to voice my fustrastions in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful of more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

BT, wankers though they are, shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort further payment from me for the services which, you have so far patently failed to deliver. Any such activity will initially be greeted with hilairity and disbelief quickly replaced by derision and perhaps even rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my complete and utter contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feeling towards NTL and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful buch of twats. I sincerely hope Mary Malone herself and her nine illegitimte children chase you so far over the hills of damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope you arseholes.

No fucking regards at all,

Your very under valued and pissed off former customer.