Just to prove that today is indeed "one of those days" (and I swear I will slap the next smug, glib gobshite that reminds me of that fact - I KNOW!)

1. Lift kettle to establish sufficient water volume.

2. Sufficient water volume established

4.Turn on kettle.

5. Advance to cupboard to retrieve my personal hot beverage holder aka mug.

6. Mug not in cupboard.

7. Brief search to establish some other tosspot aka my weapons system's officer (don't worry about it it's a RAF thing - like a co-pilot) is utilising aforementioned mug.

8. Biting of lip.

9. Advance to cupboard to retrieve stand-by hot beverage holder aka the scabby mug no one else will use.

10. Take aforementioned scabby mug to sink - clean throughly to no effect.

11. Give up and keep fingers crossed not to pick up some form of disease.

12. Advance to tea-bag container aka tatty cardboard box.

13. Open aforementioned box and discover complete lack of tea-bags.

14. Swear - mildly

15. Advance to store cupbord to retrieve stand-by box full of tea-bags.

16. Return to kitchen and open.

17. Smile as tea will shortly be ready.

18. Pick up tea-bag in Siamese twin form and carefully detatch it from it's sibbling.

19. Drop single tea-bag into slightly less scabby but still potential health risk mug.

20. Try not to think about it.

21. Notice kettle is not emitting any noise.

22. Touch kettle to establish temperature.

23. Temperature established - stone cold.

24. Look at wall point to establish potential technical difficulties.

25. Establish some do-gooder, electricity saving fucking bastard aka my weapons system's officer has turned the wall point to it's "off" mode.

26. Rolling of eyes and muttering of Irish curse.

27. Correct wall point to "on" mode.

28. Stare at kettle until it is emitting noise disregarding the red light that is now indicating proper kettle function.

29. Kettle emitts noise - Operation "Boil water to near 100c" underway after temporary set back.

30. Slight improvement of mood.

31. Tap work surface.

32. Whistle a non recognisable tune.

33. Hear yourself randomly whistling like a window cleaner and remember how much you hate it when people do that.

34. Stop whistling.

35. Hang head in shame.

36. Despite hearing rapid boil noises touch kettle to establish this is not a figment of imagination.

37. Scold hand.

38. Make mental note not to repeat step 37. 

39. Kettle emits mechanical "click" noise.

40. Operation "Boil water to near 100c" completed.

41. Pour boiling water into scabby mug containing tea bag.

42. Water volume wrongly established in point 2.

43. Emit low growling noise.

44. Advance to sink and fill kettle with bear minimum to achieve full mug-ation.

45. Slam kettle back "on".

46. Repeat steps 28 to 40. including step 37.

47. Make mental note to remember mental notes.

48. Pour newly heated "top up" water into mug.

49. Spot the limescale but try to ignore it.

50. Consider next time filling the kettle a little more when in "topping up" routine in future.

51. Realise if you had a fucking brain at step 1. you would utomtically fill kettle to nearly over flowing regardless of weight assessed water volume in future thus avoiding several of these steps in the shagging first place you twat.

52. Smile knowingly that at 28 you are unlikely to change the habit of a lifetime.  

53. Slightly over-full mug-ation now achieved.

49. Advance to stirring utensil drawer for spoon.

50. Discover complete lack of spoons.

51. Reconsider the necessity of using a spoon.

52. Pick up a fork.

53. Stir tea-bag with non pointed end - you're not a total eejit after all.

54. Full diffusion aquired - recognised by appropriate colour of liquid with a trained eye from years of skilled tea making.

55. Realise that slightly over-full mug-ation is in fact "slightly TOO over-full" for introduction of milk.

56. Advance to sink.

57. Pour away some precious liquid.

58. Spot "black bits".

59. Recognise "black bits" as symptoms of fatal tea-bag breakage.

60. Swear loudly towards sky.

61. Pour entire contents of mug down sink angrily.

61. Pull emotions together and proceed.

62. Repeat step. 44 with "extra bit" added as described in step 50.

63. Retrieve spoon from bottom of sink.

64. Run under tap.

65. Repeat step 28 to 40 excluding step 37 (see old dogs can learn new tricks) whilst simultaneously repeating steps 18 - 20.

66. Reapeat step 48.

67. Stirr liquid with spoon acquired in step 63.

68. Remember why it is worth using a spoon.

69. Repeat steps 54 to 57.

70. Smile at the lack of "black bits".

71. Advance to refrigerator.

72. Open.

73. Discover lack of milk.

74. Look at work surfaces frantically - spot milk.

75. Send up small prayer of thanks.

76. Introduce milk to mug.

77. Salavate slightly thinking about how nice this will taste with nicotene

78. Notice white "globs" floating up to surface of tea.

79. Sniff milk.

80. Have total sense of humour failure and storm off to the pub for a beer which is what you wanted to do in the fucking first place but you were TRYING to be a "good" girl!